Is Your Husband Watching Pornography? You Are Right To Be Worried

Recently, a lot of women asked for my advice because they have found out (or suspect) that their husband is watching pornographic movies. Some of these women were shocked or horrified, some were confused, and most of them were worried. Their main concern was the possibility that their husband could lose his interest in them because of pornography.

Were their fears justified? After having heard their stories in full, I had to admit that in a few cases, they were absolutely right to be worried. In fact, some of those marriages were already sexless, and the husband’s “dirty habit” was part of the picture.

So what determines whether your husband’s “hobby” is going to become a problem for your marriage? And how to go about discussing this issue with your husband? In this article I will go through the real reasons why your husband watches pornography and how to know when this is a real problem for your marriage. I will also give you a step-by-step guide on how to approach the situation to end your worries once and for all.

Why does your husband watch pornography (the answer might not be as simple as you think)

A good friend of mine and I were having a conversation about pornography some time ago. He was a firm believer in the fact that pornography was lame and that watching these kind of movies caused more harm than good. I remember him saying:

“I don’t understand what people find exciting in pornography. I mean, why would I enjoy watching two (or more) people whom I don’t know personally having unprotected intercourse?”

While his argument made total sense on a rational basis (and was quite funny to hear, to say the least), he couldn’t really explain why people are so drawn to pornography, so much that this is such a widespread phenomenon worldwide. And it’s not even something new. The depiction of sexuality has always been present throughout human history. From cavemen’s rock porn-graffiti, to Roman erotic art, Victorian Age erotic pornographic novels, to Hustlers magazines, VHS, all the way through modern HD internet streaming videos: it seems as the human mind has always been very fascinated with pornography. This is the case, of course, for both men and women.

So, if you ask me, there isn’t a real reason why people (including your husband) watch pornographic movies or other materials. It can be just because it’s in our human nature…

One thing is sure though: compared to the early days, pornography it’s now much more readily available. The amount of adult clips streamed on a daily basis is absolutely insane and the pornography internet market is growing steadily. Most pornography video material these days it’s also in high-definition and offers a huge amount of variety, to meet the diversified tastes and ever-increasing demands of modern consumers. In other words, abusing of pornography these days it’s easier than ever. And as with pretty much everything else in life, abuse is never a good thing…

Your husband watches pornography: when it is a problem

So, when is pornography bad for a marriage or a relationship? Pornography can become a problem in a relationship and, more generally, for a person’s health, if one of the two following things happens:

1. Pornography consumption affects significantly sexual activity or replaces sexual activity altogether
2. Pornography becomes an addiction similar to drugs use

Usually these two types of behavior overlap and feed into each other, creating a cascade of issues that, obviously, involve both the person involved and their partner. Sometimes the addiction reaches such levels that even the individual’s work and social life can be affected. In this case, it is advisable to consult a therapist as the problem can be particularly serious, and the symptoms are comparable to those of drugs and alcohol addiction.

But how does pornographic material consumption actually reduces your husband’s interest in the intimacy with you? The culprit is a little molecule you might have heard of called dopamine, and the so-called dopamine reward system, a biological mechanism naturally occurring in the brain (check out the video below if you want to know how it works).

Simply put, the problem is that pornography “trains” his brain to react to stimuli that are way different from those involved when having real, live” intercourse with a real woman, in this case you. This happen because the visual stimuli he receives and reacts to when watching pornography are very different from those that he receives when he is in intimacy with you. And I’m not just talking about the difference between how your body looks compared to adult movies actresses’s bodies. I’m talking about the point of view by which he is watching, and how intimacy with you “looks like” compared to pornography itself. As men sexuality is very visual, he will have his brains reward system accustomed to visual stimuli that simply do not happen in bed with you. In fact, it is well known that pornography can be a impotence trigger and libido killer, because of this reason.

How do I deal with this situation? Follow this 6-points guide

1. Do not overreact. You might have caught your husband with pants down (no pun intended!) watching an adult movie or you might have learned of his “hobby” by accidentally (or intentionally) looking at his browser’s history. But no matter how disturbing or awkward this discovery can be, the worst thing you can do is overreacting. Count to 10 before you say something (if anything at all), as whatever you say now won’t help solving the issue.
2. Do not judge. Another mistake that you could easily make in this situation is being judgmental toward your husband. As I’ve explained to you earlier, there’s absolutely nothing unnatural or inherently wrong with pornography. Your husband is not some sort of “perv-monster” because he watches pornographic movies. He’s just human, so try to not judge him and be tolerant and understanding instead.
3. Analyze your intimacy life. When I ask women why it was so shocking and confusing for them to find out about their husband’s habit, their answer is usually “because I didn’t expect it”. But if you really didn’t see it coming, it probably means that your intimacy life hasn’t been impacted that much by his use of pornographic material (at least so far). So, ask yourself this question: if I hadn’t made this discovery, would I have even noticed any change in my intimate life because of him watching pornography?

   While it’s easy to fall into the “am-I-not-enough-for-you” trap, in the end it’s all about how much this habit has affected the intimacy in your marriage. 

   If, on the other hand, this discovery does not come as a surprise for you, it can only mean two things: either you’re totally cool with his habit as long as your intimate life is healthy, or your intimate life is starting to crumble (if it hasn’t already), and pornography can be one of the reasons.
4. Have a relaxed chat with him. Do not mention that you’ve discovered his “dirty habit”, unless of course, you caught him in the act. In any case, try to avoid talking about the subject directly. Make him feel assured that your feelings and respect for him are unaltered. He might feel ashamed or guilty, and if you keep blaming him, the issue will never be solved. If your intimate life is falling apart might not be just because of his pornography use. In fact, pornography usage might be the consequence, not the cause, of some other deeper issues in your relationship, including intimacy issues.
5. Seduce him again. Often times, men seek refuge in pornography when their intimate life with their wives has gotten boring or predictable. But, hey, better this than cheating, right? Ask him if he’d like to try something new in the bedroom or surprise him with a new spicy idea. I have put together a comprehensive guide on how to seduce your husband, which can help you getting the intimacy in your marriage back on track.
6. Weight out the issue. Finally, it’s important to evaluate if the issue is affecting the overall health of your husband rather than just the relationship. Some of the questions you need to ask are: is this just a once-in-a-while thing or is becoming a little too regular? Does he desperately need to engage in this activity or else he would become restless? Is the pornography use affecting his work and social life as well? Bear in mind that if the issue has taken the form of an addiction, it should be treated like any other addiction such as drinking or drugs use. If your husband has a problem with pornography abuse, you should set aside your own needs and help him overcoming the addiction, perhaps with the help of a therapist.

Conclusion

In my opinion, pornography isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Pornography in itself shouldn’t be considered controversial or abnormal, and it might be even an healthy habit when not abused of. For adolescents, it could be a great way to get acquainted with sexuality, especially when sexual education fails to address their natural curiosity. For adults, pornography can be a complimentary tool to sexual activity, useful to spice things up in their marriages or relationships. However, both young and not-so-young adults need to be aware of the risks that pornography abuse might have on their sexuality, health and relationships. Free online resources such as Relationshipscope.com were created for this reason.