Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy? Find Out How To “Fix” Her
If your wife never initiates intimacy, the most important thing you need to do is figure out if this is a real problem for you or not. Because one thing needs to be clear: if lack of sexual initiative from your wife is such a big problem that it could threaten your marriage, I’m sure that is not the only one problem you and your wife have. In other words, if you are in a strong marriage with great communication, you can easily talk to your wife about how you feel about your intimacy together. Chances are she will understand and may even make an effort to initiate sex. But if more serious issues are underlying, your intimacy with your wife might be compromised beyond the issues of who’s initiating sex. In this article I will break down the reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy and things you can do to help her understand why this is important to you.
The Reason Why Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy
First of all, when did this lack of initiative start? Let’s first go through all the possible scenarios involved. There are three main possibilities.
If she used to initiate intimacy before and then stopped all of a sudden, it is clear that something happened that made her change her approach to having sex with you. It could be something that happened between the two of you, or something that has to do with herself only. It’s up to you if you want to dig deeper into this. It could be something extremely personal, or something that does need to be discussed for the health of your marriage.
If she never had initiative in the bedroom, well then what you are asking of her, essentially, is to change the way she has sex with you. Women are naturally more restrained than men when it comes to sex and intimacy. This could be due to reasons linked to their cultural background, upbringing or education. With all these factors at play, it is difficult to determine why your wife never initiates sex with you. If sexual initiative is a big thing for you, perhaps your spouse and you are not fully compatible. This is why is important to put enough effort into knowing your partner before marriage. It’s never too late though, and your wife might learn how to create a better sexual connection with you if your communication with her is good enough.
The third and most common possibility is that your wife used to initiate intimacy with you, maybe when you were first dating, and then her initiative decreased gradually over time, usually after tying the knot. This is something that happens quite often, and is one of the reasons why people that have false expectations of marriage end up disappointed by it. Sometimes women change the way they approach sex with their husbands to accommodate different needs such as taking care of the children, pursue a career, or simply because the relationship has taken a different turn, not necessarily for the worse.
People change a lot throughout their life, and what once might have seemed exciting or natural, can become boring or awkward later on. While sex is important in a marriage, relationships are not just about sex, let alone about who initiates it first.
Hence, instead of proposing a solution to a non-existing problem such as why your wife never initiates sex, I’d like to ask you a question that has way more important implications: is this lack of initiative, regardless of when it manifested, accompanied by lack of affection and care for each other? If the answer is yes, it is clear that you should focus on these issues first. Marriage counseling can go a long way in helping you with such problems. Once you and your spouse have pinpointed the source of this issue and learned how to solve it, problems such as sexual initiative will sort themselves out naturally.
If, however, you feel like your deep feelings for each other are unaltered, you can try the following things to help your wife kicking it off once in a while.
Things you can do if you wife never initiates intimacy
Obviously, the first thing I would do is telling her. Especially if you and your wife have always been open about this topic, it won’t be a problem to tell her how you feel about it. You should act like two close friends on this one. Forget about whether she was doing it before or not. She’s not the same person as she was years ago. Tell her: “It would be nice if you started things out in bed once in a while. It would make me feel excited, and rest assured that I won’t judge you for doing it”. Who knows, she might have been secretly thinking about it, but was afraid that you could judge her for begin too “forward”. Sometimes women can be complex when it comes to sex, and about the way that they want men to perceive them as sexual beings.
2. Focus on yourself more
If talking with her doesn’t have the desired results, don’t despair! Focus your attention more on yourself and on your own life outside of her. Give her a little more space, and spend more times with your friends or pursuing your hobbies. Don’t ignore her or freeze your intimacy, but try to play a bit hard to get to see if this triggers a reaction in her, following up on what you told her. She could interpret your changed attitude as a sign that initiating sex is important for you. She might be willing to try initiating sex so that she can bring you closer. But be aware that this could be a flash in the pan as she might be doing it just to restore that closeness and not because she really wants to. The spark of initiative will subside as soon as things will go back to normal.
3. Realize that is not a real problem
If this last advice didn’t work, you should start weighting out the “problem” and consider how it affects you and your marriage life overall. Before you think that “something’s wrong with her” and that “it’s not normal”, consider this: 78% of men initiate sex more than half of the time, and only about 30% of men and women initiate sex equally. So, if your wife never initiates intimacy, you’re definitely not alone. But is this such a big problem that you should reconsider your marriage? While that’s totally up to you, let me give you one last piece of advice:
I’ll be honest: as a man and husband myself I do like when my wife initiates intimacy from time to time. It makes me feel appreciated, desired, it shows that she has feelings for me and that my marriage is going great. And what if she initiated sex most of the time, even more than me? Perhaps I wouldn’t like it that much, as it would lose its “once in a while” special value. But is my wife’s sexual initiative the only one thing that makes me feel this way with her? Of course not. And if there’s love and trust in your marriage, you and your wife can and will work together to light the fire of passion, regardless of who’s the firestarter!