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Can Bad Sex Make Your Marriage Crumble?

Sexless relationship. Sexless marriage depression. Should I stay in a sexless marriage.If we were to believe everything the books and glossies tell us, nothing could be more important in a marriage than sex and sexual compatibility. Many therapists, as well as how-to books and videos often reinforce this viewpoint.

But is this really true? Is sex the foundation stone marriage is based on, given that so many marriages should have worked out but did not. The truth is, not every divorce happens because of sex not being good. And not every marriage lasts because of great sex.

Why then this hype about sexual compatibility? Is it the age we live in? A time when sex has come out of the closet and therefore must be the be-all and end-all of everything? Will this too pass? If we go beyond the fads of the day and seek deeper for answers, we will no doubt find that it is not easy to paint such a one-dimensional picture of marriage.

Is Sexual Compatibility Essential For A Marriage To Succeed?

Marriage is such a complex relationship, an interaction and melding of two people on so many different levels, all interconnected and intertwined. When there is a short circuit in these systems, there has to be a scapegoat and what better than sexual incompatibility. And yet, very often, all other things going well, sexual compatibility blossoms. So, is sexual compatibility really the mirror of marriage satisfaction, or is it just a shadow of it? Let’s take a look at the three main reasons why young couples blame sexual compatibility for marriage issues.

1. False expectations

The first thing to point out is that most newlyweds have false expectations of what marriage life is like. This is why I always recommend premarital counseling, which is by far the best way for a couple who wants to tie the knot to have a glimpse of what they’re actually getting into. In these session, the counselor will talk you through the most common marriage problems, and engage you and your partner to find out how you would solve these problems if they hypothetically manifested during your marriage. In this way you can also find out things about one another that you wouldn’t have had the chance to know. You might want to think twice about getting married if you found out that you and your partner have profound disagreements on how to solve some key issues. Loss of intimacy might be one of those issues and is, in fact, one of the most common marriage problems. While future issues can arise that premarital counseling may not be able to forecast, you will be able to reflect on possible solutions should this problem hypothetically come up.

2. No action-taking

The second thing to remember is that a happy and healthy marriage requires an action-taking attitude. And when it comes to sexual compatibility, the key question that needs to be answered is: if intimacy in marriage is really important to you, what would you actually do to protect it? Would you be willing to go the extra mile to seduce your husband, or to make sure your wife feels comfortable initiating sex from time to time? If you are the type of person that always expects the partner to take action, then I’m sorry to say that perhaps marriage is not for you. Marriage requires mutual support and mutual giving.

You cannot expect to receive love or attention if you don't give any.Click To Tweet

Truly, in life you only get what you give, and if you give love, guess what? You’ll receive love. And imagine if both of you were action-taker in this respect, what a happy marriage would it be!

3. Lack of patience

Ask yourself: is loss of intimacy a problem per se, or is it just a manifestation of deeper issues between you and your spouse?

Speaking from experience, most intimacy problems in marriage originate from emotional disconnection, lack of empathy and psychological ignorance about one another.

And one thing is certain: sexual compatibility alone cannot be blamed for loss of intimacy in a marriage. And yet, it does take the blame especially among younger couples that perhaps lack the patience and the perseverance that older marriages had and still have. Strong relationships are becoming rare these days simply because people are addicted to instant gratification due to the effect of technology, dating apps, and social media. We can have a relationship with a right-swipe and we can end it with the same ease should a problem come up. We are not willing to wait and we don’t have the patience to solve relationship issues anymore. This is why a communication problem can easily labeled as a “sexual compatibility” issue, and your marriage can end up in the bin.

Trial marriages are the order of the day, and it is because couples claim that they want to test their sexual compatibility. That is how much influence the hype about this subject has had. But, like wine, should not sex grow and become better with time? Maybe what is needed in this area is guidance on how to make things work over time, not to find out if a couple is sexually compatible from the start.

One last word: Love and romance can be the greatest triggers to sex. Very often, couples bring to bed a whole host of the days problems and sex ends up being the culmination of these pent-up emotions. Tensions, frustrations, words spoken in haste they can all end up in sexual incompatibility. Or, then again, these fights could result in a great make-up sex, but what about the morning after and back to everyday life? The trick is to see marriage as a whole, not as a piecemeal. A holistic viewpoint very often heals even the most bitter feuds. Putting the blame on sexual compatibility, or rather the lack of it could be a very blinkered outlook.

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Ivan Verr is a self-development & relationship coach, with a passion for helping singles and couples building a beautiful relationship.

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